


Color Me Shades of Smitten

by Andedan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cussing, Dyslexia, Getting Together, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Poetry, Swearing, innuendos, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 20:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9202436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andedan/pseuds/Andedan
Summary: High school au in which Dan is an introspective poet, and Phil is a quiet math geek. One day their paths cross, and their lives both change for good.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh this took way to long to write bc I’m a terrible procrastinator. Anyways, this was written for the PBB 2016, but I didn’t finish it until recently because of complications. Tysm to my wonderful beta @serenitylester, and my lovely artist @thecat-and-theflower (art coming soon)! Without you two, this would never be finished! all poetry is mine! please enjoy! <3
> 
> [read this on tumblr](http://phanniephil.tumblr.com/post/155406948683/color-me-shades-of-smittenl)

_The sheer risk of coincidence_

_In this infinitely large universe_

_Is too huge to comprehend_

_Yet it is clung to aimlessly_

_In hopes of finding a love which lasts_

_No matter how unlikely the probability_

_Aspirations are pinned on a chance_

_That perhaps you may be loved_

_And although hopeless_

_It might just be enough_

“Mr. Howell!” Dan’s math teacher called out, forcing his attention out of his mind and notebook and towards his teacher, who did not look the slightest bit pleased with him.

Dan feigned politeness while he shoved his notebook into his backpack. “Yes, Mrs. Tibbitts?”

His teacher approached him and struck her hand on his desk. “I asked you where these two functions meet?” She gestured towards the whiteboard, where two equations were scribbled.

“I don’t know, Mrs. Tibbitts,” Dan said as he fidgeted with his pencil to avoid the grueling eyes of his teacher.

Mrs. Tibbitts began to open her mouth, before being interrupted by a rather masculine voice from the front of the class. “They intersect at  -15/7 and the square root of 5,” the voice chimed.

“Although correct, that question wasn’t intended for you, Mr. Lester.”

Dan craned his neck to search the classroom for the so-called Mr. Lester, and found a strikingly pale boy with a jet black fringe and glasses seated at the front of the room. He seemed to be a teacher’s pet, but a surprisingly pretty teacher’s pet.

As the teacher continued to drone on, Dan grabbed his notebook back out of his backpack and opened it to a fresh page.

_The numbers blur and clash_

_Argue for their lives_

_Combine, create,_

_And disintegrate_

_Any sense of logic falls_

Just as he wrote the last line, the bell rang, signaling the end of the day.  He packed up his notebook and his materials, and then slung his backpack over his shoulder and began to leave the classroom. He would follow his usual after school schedule in which he would walk over to his locker, pack up, walk home, do his homework, eat dinner, wash up, and then retreat into his room and write until he no longer had the energy to lift his pencil.

However, this routine was momentarily paused when the raven haired teacher’s pet from earlier stopped in front of him just as he exited the classroom and began his usual route to his locker. Dan attempted to continue walking, but the boy blocked his path, a grin evident on his face.

“What the hell do you want?” Dan asked, annoyed at the boy. First he made him look stupid in class, and now he was preventing him from going anywhere.

“I save your sorry butt in math and I get this kind of greeting?” The boy smirked.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he mumbled, before attempting to push by the boy with no success.

The boy stared him down for a moment, before he finally asked, “Your name is Dan, right?”

“Stalker much?”

“I notice things. I’m Phil, by the way.”

“Well, Phil, I have somewhere where I need to be, so sod off.” Dan tried his best to look intimidating, but really, he was a lanky teenage boy who sounded more like Winnie the Pooh than an actual man.  And unfortunately for Dan, skinny six foot tall teenage boys without an ounce of facial hair who wrote poetry were not of the intimidating type. And this Phil guy seemed to notice this too, judging by his muffled laughter. “You’re not of the scary type either….” Dan mumbled.

“I wonder how you noticed that, Sherlock,” Phil retorted while fidgeting with his glasses, “And no, I’m not going unless you show me what you were writing during class. You owe me one.” He puffed up his chest and crossed his arms, clearly expecting some kind of award. Dan considered refusing, but Phil looked somewhat adorable.

He grabbed his notebook out of his backpack and ripped out his most recent poem. “It’s pretty shitty, but it’s not like you would know anything,” he muttered, before bolting away from him.

* * *

_A ghost wandered his sacred halls_

_Very seldomly seen_

_Avoided others at all costs_

_As they were philistine_

The next day, Dan once again sat in his usual hideout during lunch, his English teacher’s classroom. She let him reside in it during lunch, as long as he didn’t make too much noise or let crumbs fall across the carpet. He sat in silence, eating a sandwich while jotting a rough draft of a possible ballad. He had just finished the first verse, when suddenly there was a persistent knocking at the door. He groaned. Probably a teacher.

He opened the door, only to find Phil, the annoying teacher’s pet. Before he could even say anything, Phil asked with a perky voice, “So you write poetry, huh?”

“First of all, how did you know I was here? Second of all, I should have never showed that to you,” he stammered.

Phil grinned. “PJ told me that you’re always in Mrs. Taikijan’s room during lunch.”

“Did he?”

“Yep. Also, math is actually quite fun. And logical. Maybe if you actually paid attention during class instead of writing, you’d like it more.” His words blurred together from his enthusiasm.

“I hate math with a burning passion,” Dan shrugged.

“If you hate it so much, then why are you doing it at an advanced level?” Damn, he was going to kill Phil if he continued with this perkiness.

“College applications.”

“Of course, just like every other person in our grade.”

Dan rolled his eyes as Phil opened up his mouth to speak.

“I didn’t know that you could write like that,” Phil muttered.

“Uhhh…thanks I guess?”

“I want to read more of your poetry.”

Dan stepped back and shook his head repeatedly. “Nope, nope, nope.” he said repeatedly.

Phil’s eyes widened. “Why not?” he asked.

“You got one poem, that’s it. No more for you, get out, bye.”

Phil crossed his arms and began to leave the classroom. However, he paused just before the door shut behind him and said, “I will read what you wrote, Dan.”

As Phil left, the last thing that Dan noticed were his eyes, sadly staring him down.

* * *

_Blue, green, yellow eyes_

_Flicker as he leaves_

_Voice tinged with shades of disappointment_

_As full as his features_

_And once again confusion returns_

_Give him what he wants_

Or protect myself?

Dan was curled up in his bed, with just his notebook to console him. Phil had been flashing through his mind nonstop lately, and he couldn’t seem to get him out. He had dealt with it in the only way he knew how to deal with anything; writing.

And so he wrote to Phil.  

He couldn’t figure out why Phil couldn’t get out of his head. He wasn’t that interesting, he seemed to be just another nerd. He was just an annoying geek who seemed to want to read Dan’s writing way too much.  Except, nobody had showed that much interest in Dan before. Nobody before Phil had hunted him down at lunch, or demanded to read his works, or even waited for him like he did by the door. Of course he couldn’t stop thinking about him, that’s what people did when they were suddenly showered with affection.

And so he wrote for Phil.

* * *

_Tear stained eyes_

_Sore from the lights_

_Done gazing aimlessly_

_Wanting a two way street_

The next time Dan bumped into Phil, it wasn’t accidental. And for a change, he was the one who initiated their meeting. He originally wanted to text Phil, but then he realized that he didn’t know his phone number. Or leave a note in his locker, but he didn’t know his locker number either. He soon realized that his only option to contact Phil was to actually talk to him again.

Usually when Dan walked to class, he would take his time and draw out the space until he would next have to communicate with people. After all, he had seven minutes between classes, that was more than enough time to travel through the halls, And it wasn’t like he has any reason to get to class early; he had minimal friends and interacting with people completely drained his energy.

However today he made an exception. He rushed to math, as getting there early would be the perfect opportunity to talk to Phil. There was no hope of talking to him during class; Phil was too intrigued by the disarrayed numbers displayed to even talk during class. And Dan wasn’t sure what other classes they shared, as the raven haired boy seemed to disappear into the background, just as Dan did. Maybe they were in fact two birds of a feather.

When he got to Mrs. Tibbitts’ classroom, there were a few scattered students in front of it, but Phil wasn’t in sight. Dan then knocked on the door, heard a “come in”, and then he walked inside.

Phil sat in his desk, their teacher standing over him. He somehow seemed entranced by her words, as she scribbles equations on his notebook.

Dan began to back out of the classroom when Phil saw him. He smiled and waved to him. “Hey Dan! Want to join us?”

“Uh, actually I have something to give to you.”

Just as Dan said that, the bell rang, and a herd of students burst into the room. Dan slipped a piece of paper into Phil’s hand before finding his way back to his seat.

Class passed as usual, with Phil eagerly answering questions and Dan being on a different planet. When the bell finally rang, signaling the end of the day, Dan walked to Phil’s desk before he had the chance to leave.

“Hi..” Dan muttered.

Phil cracked a grin. “Hey.”

“Hey loser. Did you read it yet?”

“Not yet,  I will when I get home.”

“Good.” Dan said before he disappeared out of the classrooms and into the hallways.

_To Phil:_

_Lately you’ve been driving me crazy,_

_Never out of my head_

_Pestering me endlessly_

_Wanting my writing to be read_

_I don’t think I’ll dismiss you_

_You’re quite hard to ignore_

_Instead I’ll be your friend_

_I hope I won’t be a bore_

_(Why am I even sharing this with you?)_

The next day, Phil slipped him a note before class which read:

_Dan-_

_798-879-0975_

Dan smiled to himself, and as soon as he arrived home, he texted Phil.

_Dan: Is this Phil?_

_Phil: yes :)_

_Dan: you’re a spork_

_Phil: your mom’s a spork_

_Dan: wow, so original_

_Phil: just like your comebacks_

_Phil: just a question, have you ever published your writing?_

_Phil: bc you should_

_Dan: fuck no_

_Dan: never_

_Phil: why not?_

_Dan: reasons_

_Phil: fine, be that way_

_Phil: sit w/me @ lunch tomorrow_

_Dan: where?_

_Phil: under the oak tree_

_Dan: OK_

_Dan: gtg now_

_Dan: homework_

_Phil: ok bye_

_Phil: ttyl_

* * *

_For the first time in my life, I may have found a friend_

From what Dan knew so far, Phil was incredible. He hadn’t laughed at him or called him a sissy or gay for writing poetry. In fact, he had encouraged it. And he actually wanted to have Dan sit with him during lunch. And he even texted him! Sure, he had low standards, but Phil exceeded them.

Yes, he had had friends before, but they seemed to dislike him. Or ditch him after a month. He had even had a friend who hung out with him just because his mom had made him. At one point, he had a group of friends who seemed to like each other more than him.

Phil was Phil, and although he was annoying sometimes, he was special. He had a voice of honey and hair of silk. His smile was brighter than the sun and it fit his personality perfectly. His glasses made him look adorable and his eyes were so attractive and….

Shit.

Nope.

Dan Howell was definitely not gay.

Dan Howell was 100% attracted to females.

Phil wasn’t attractive or hot. He was just a friend. Dan just really liked him as a friend. Yeah of course, he was just excited about having a new friend. And so, he dismissed those thoughts and ignored the little voice at the back of his head.

* * *

_Meet me under the oak tree,_

_So that we may be free_

_Where lovers meet_

_And others cheat_

_It’s the place for you and me_

The next day at lunch, Dan scurried towards the oak tree which Phil had said to meet him at. It wasn’t that hard to miss; the school hardly had any trees, only one of which was a tall, sturdy oak. He approached the tree, scouting out Phil; however, he wasn’t in sight. Instead, Peej and some boy Dan didn’t know sat clumped together by the tree, with other students scrambled throughout the area.

Dan debated his options. He could sit with PJ (who was certainly Phil’s friend) and awkwardly wait for Phil, actually interact with PJ and the other boy, or run back to the classroom where he normally ate lunch.

It was then he realized that he looked quite strange just staring at the tree and the people surrounding it. In a quick but hesitant decision, he continued forth towards the oak tree and approached Peej and his friend.

He stood before PJ and bit his fingernails nervously, expecting one of them to talk. They just stared at him, perplexed by his nervous demeanor.

“Can I sit with you?” Dan finally asked the pair.

Peej smiled slightly, in a way that seemed somewhat sympathetic or friendly. “You’re Phil’s new friend, right?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Phil can’t stop talking about you!” The other boy butted in. “Dan this, Dan that, I wanted to smack him!”

A blush started to spread over Dan’s face, and his stomach briefly cartwheeled.

The boy grinned. “Oh, I’m Chris by the way.”

“I’m Dan.” He responded

“We know,” both Chris and PJ chimed in at the same time.

“Anyways, Phil usually shows up here, he was just a bit delayed and had to get something done.” PJ explained.

Relieved, Dan nodded and then sat down beside the pair. Although they seemed nice enough, it was apparent from the start that they didn’t need him sitting with them. They would ask him questions every so often, but they were obviously more interested in each other than they were in him.

Ten minutes later, Dan was beginning to get bored, and he was very confused as to where Phil was. He grabbed his phone out of his backpack, and started to text Phil.

_Dan: Where r u?_

_Phil: at an appointment_

_Phil: u sat with pj and chris?_

_Dan: yeah_

_Phil: good_

_Dan: when will u be back_

_Phil: on my way_

_Dan: ok_

Sure enough, Phil appeared a couple minutes later. His hair was messier than usual, and his face was set in a frown.

“Hey,” he muttered, before he sat in between Dan and the others.

“Where were you, mate?” Chris asked Phil curiously.

“Appointment. Forgot to tell you.” Phil said without expression, and then began to eat a slice of pizza.

Dan shot him a puzzled look, and then continued to eat. The awkward silence continued for a couple more minutes, and Dan couldn’t help but to notice the tingling in his stomach. The butterflies in his chest multiplied when Phil accidentally nudged him. They felt as if they were about to escape from his body when Phil smiled at him and wrapped his arm around Dan’s shoulders. He let his arm stay there, until Phil glanced at him and saw the heat on his face.

“Is this okay with you?” Phil asked him cautiously.

“Yeah,” Dan mumbled.

“You sure?” He double-checked.

“Uh-huh. It’s fine.”

Alas, Phil kept his arm in the same position, as Dan’s cheeks began to burn more intensely and his heart felt as if it was going to explode.

The bell finally rang, signaling the end of lunch. Phil removed his arm from Dan’s shoulders, packed up his items, slung his backpack over his shoulder, and finally waved goodbye to Dan and began to head over to his next class.

“See you in Pre-Calc!” Phil called as he departed.

“Yeah, you too.” Dan responded as he gathered his lunch and began to walk towards his next class. His chest was thumping and his shoulders still tingled from where Phil touched him, and as he thought of their encounter, a harsh truth hit him right in the gut.

He was attracted to Phil.

Attracted didn’t describe his feelings, instead it just made him sound like a character in a Jane Austen romance novel. And quite clearly, he was not. Nineteenth century love stories did not involve cursing and math and the inexplicable realization of obvious gayness.

His ramblings caused another realization to settle into his stomach. He liked a boy. Boys who like boys are gay. And he couldn’t be gay.

He had heard stories in the news before about kids who were beat up for their sexual orientation, and ended up black eyes and deep purple bruises. A couple of years ago, in his middle school, there was a boy whose homosexuality became revealed, and soon became the school’s metaphorical and literal punching bag. If he was gay, that would be the end of the road for him.

Dan had liked girls and had even had a girlfriend or two before, so no, he couldn’t be gay. He didn’t like Phil that way. Whatever these “homosexual desires” were, they were going to pass and he was going to be attracted to girls again and everything would return to normal. Yes, this was going to end soon and he would never have to face whatever this was again.

This entire thought process happened to occur on his walk to class, and prevented him from paying attention while navigating the treacherous hallways. While caught up in his own thoughts, he managed to bump into someone and send all of their papers flying in the air, and then he tripped onto the floor.

“Hey! Are you okay?” A voice called from above him.

Dan looked up and saw a girl, clad in a sweater and jeans, standing above him. She was pretty - her black hair was swept into two braids, and her dark skin shone and was clear. Her eyes sparkled when she met his eyes, and her tongue stuck out slightly when she smiled. “Just like Phil’s smile” said a little voice inside of his head, which he instantly shook away.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” he said, as he began to pick up her papers.

“You don’t have to pick up my papers.”

“It’s okay. I knocked them over in the first place.”

“You sure?” She asked.

“Absolutely certain.”

“I’m Amara. What’s your name?”

“Dan.”

“Dan the man.” She joked.

He laughed. “I’ve heard that one way too many times.”

“Aw, I thought it was quite original.” She retorted.

“Where’s your name from?” Dan veered.

“It’s African and Indian. Oh, and Greek and Italian, but my family isn’t from there.”

“So you’re African and Indian?”

“And proud. Unlike you, you moldy white piece of bread.”

Dan laughed. He could already tell that he and Amara were going to get along quite well. “Look at you, being sassy. You can’t beat me at my own game.”

“Fight me, you crusty ass bitch.”

“Oh I will, motherfucker.” Dan sassed back.

“Want to tell my mom that?”

“She doesn’t need to be told that, what we did last night says enough.”

They made eye contact, and then burst out laughing.

“Here, take my number,” Amara grabbed his arm and scribbled her phone number on it in sharpie. “I’m expecting loads of bants via text and lots of dog pictures.”

“Wow, such high expectations,” Dan scoffed, and before Amara could retort, the bell rang.

“Oh shit!” They exclaimed in unison, grinned, and then realizing that they were going to be late for class, bolted towards their respective classes.

* * *

_Two different kinds of adoration_

_Both so near and dear_

_With here there is never a dull moment_

_And he is always here_

_Not entirely sure_

_Who fits each respective slot_

_They complete my puzzle piece by piece_

_Choose one? I’d rather not_

A couple of weeks had passed since Dan had realized his feelings for Phil and met Amara, and he just became more and more confused. Amara was absolutely lovely - they always ended up laughing around each other, but every so often their personalities would clash and they would have a disagreement, which would end in both of them bawling their eyes out and then eating chocolate and enjoying each other’s company as usual. Phil was quieter and quirky and still full of mysteries. His presence was quieter, and more meaningful. However, the two combined added to his life, and he could not imagine what it would be like living without either of them.

He tried to push away his crush on Phil, and attempted to distract himself with Amara. She was beautiful and hilarious and everything he could ever want in a girl (and more), but she wasn’t Phil. His heart didn’t thump around Amara like it did around Phil. His body was comfortable around Amara; they’d lay on each other and platonically kiss each other’s cheeks. With Phil, he was on a wild ride. He couldn’t control himself around Phil. Every so often Phil would brush against him, or wrap his arm around him, and once he briefly hugged him. And every single time Phil’s body touched his, his body may have as well flown off to another planet.

The curious incident of the wet dream about Phil had also occurred a couple of nights ago. Dan woke up, embarrassed, and tried to erase the memory from his head. It confused the shit out of him because: a) he had never really even been sexually attracted to someone he actually knew b) Phil had a dick, and since when had he liked dick? Hence, the whole situation just added to his confusion.

The day after the already mentioned occurrence, Dan was paranoid and just done with what he felt towards Phil. He had already made plans to go over to Amara’s house, in hope that she would distract him. She had suggested binge watching the entire High School Musical trilogy, which Dan was more than okay with. And so, he soon found himself curled up against Amara on her couch, the two of them way too interested in movies meant for preteen girls. They had just finished watching the “I Don’t Dance” scene of High School Musical 2, both of them singing along way too enthusiastically, when suddenly Amara paused the movie.

“Hey Dan?” She asked him softly, which was unusual for her.

“Yes ‘Mara?”

“Are you gay?”

Dan’s heart began to beat out of his chest and his face grew pale. His stomach sank and he stared at the floor. “Ummmm….” He mumbled.

“You don’t have to tell me, by the way,” she said and then proceeded to wrap him into a hug.

“I don’t know what my sexuality is,” Dan said, shaking as he did, and then suddenly everything gushed out of him, “I just really like this boy and I’m so confused because I also love you but I love you in a different platonic way and I don’t want to love him because that would ruin our friendship and I don’t want to be gay because terrible things happen to gay people and I’m probably not even gay because I’ve liked girls so much more and it’s just not fair and I hate it and I hate myself for that too.” He finally finished, and then looked up at Amara, who in response pulled him close to her chest.

“It’s okay Dan. It’s really okay.”

“So you’re not homophobic or anything?”

“Dude, I’m gay as fuck. Girls are the reason I wake up in the morning. They’re perfect and amazing and I love them and I jack off thinking about them and…”

“TMI, ‘Mara!”

Amara grinned and stuck her tongue out at him. “Oh, and can I be your bridesmaid at your and Phil’s wedding?”

“How did you know it was Phil?” Dan shrieked.

“He’s all you ever talk about! It’s actually quite obvious. It’s always ‘Phil this’ and ‘Phil that’ and ‘Phil is just so amazing’ and ‘I love Phil.’” She teased.

Dan flipped her off. “If you ever tell anyone else about this….” He warned.

“Wow, who would I even tell? It’s not like I have any other friends!”

“You’re friends with Phil, and you get along well with Chris and PJ!”

“Dearest Danny boy, I swear that I’ll never tell Phil what you told me, even if telling him would result in the two of you getting married with lovely little blue eyed children. And I solemnly swear I’ll never tell Chris either, because he’s a loudmouth, or PJ, because he doesn’t know what to do with secrets and would probably self destruct in the process of trying to keep one. Are you happy now?”

“Yeah. Now can we continue watching the best movie of all time?” asked Dan.

“Of course,” she responded, and then the two of them cuddled up with each other and continued to watch High School Musical.

_He’s the one_

_he’s the one_

_he’s the one_

_he’s the one_

_Overwhelmed in his presence_

_Drowning in his eyes_

_No idea how to get out_

_Lost and yet found_

“Hey Howell, what’re you writing?” Chris called boisterously. If there was one thing that Dan had noticed about Chris, it was that he was loud.  Not that there was much of a problem with it, considering the occasional quietness of the others when they were in a large group.

“A love letter to your mom,” Dan retorted. Phil grinned and nudged him.

“You just got burned, Kendall,” jested Amara. Although she was the sole female of their group, she had found herself a niche. Even Phil had warmed up to her, as it took him awhile to get comfortable with most people. Dan still wasn’t sure why Phil was so friendly towards him from the beginning, when usually he jeered away from most people. Sure, he wasn’t exactly an open book to Dan yet, but he definitely treated him differently than most people.

“Want to meet after school?” Phil murmured unexpectedly into Dan’s ear.

“Sure. Where do you want to go?”

“There’s this little playground a couple of blocks away. We can do homework and talk and stuff.”

“Meet at my locker?”

“Of course.”

We swing with each other, as cliché as it sounds. We’re racing towards the sky: higher, higher, higher, flung so far into the air that our feet were practically touching the clouds. We race each other, seeing who could escape the atmosphere first, pushing and pulling, lungs burning, legs itching. He reaches the sky first, and then he begins to fall towards the ground, and I follow. We crash onto the hard floor, and although our knees are scraped and our elbows are beaten up and bloody, we’re okay. We’re okay we’re okay we’re okay we’re okay we’re okay. We just needed to fall.

Dan awkwardly stood by Phil’s locker while waiting for him to transfer his textbooks and binders.

“You ready yet, slowpoke?” He asked and poked Phil in the shoulder.

Phil turned around and poked his cheek in return while Dan attempted not to turn red in the face.

“You have dimples!” Phil squealed, and continued to poke them.

Dan’s face burned up, and although he wanted Phil to continue poking him, he wasn’t sure if his body could take it, and if he would end up doing something embarrassing, and soon his anxieties began piling up in his mind, until Phil stopped.

“Was that okay?” Phil mumbled, “because if not then I’m really sorry, and I’ve noticed that you don’t like being touched, and I wasn’t thinking and….”

“Don’t worry, Phil, it’s fine. Ready to go?”

Phil nodded, and began to lead the way.

The two boys walked together in unison towards their destination, synchronising their steps. Every so often their hands would briefly touch, only to be pulled away as the natural cycle of walking continued. There was a sort of silence between the pair, but it wasn’t weird - instead, it was strangely comfortable.

When they began to approach the direction of the park, Phil finally spoke. “Close your eyes.” He demanded.

“Bossy much?” Dan retorted.

“Just close them, for Christ’s sake.”

“How do I know you’re not going to drop me off in a trash can or lead me to a pack of wolves or turn me into a prostitute with a clan of male strippers? Huh?”

“Dan, I swear I’ll blindfold you if you don’t just close your eyes already.”

Phil blindfolding him? Now that was hot. Yet embarrassing. At that thought, Dan complied and closed his eyes tightly.

“On the second thought, I brought a blindfold.” Phil saud as he tied the fabric around Dan’s head. The world went dark, but Phil’s voice remained. Suddenly a hand - quite large, slightly sweaty, somewhat warm, and presumably Phil’s - grasped Dan’s hand. “This okay?” Phil asked.

“Uh uh.” Dan was more than okay, yet not okay and about to explode at the same time. His heart was beating frantically and pulsing out of his body and hopefully he wasn’t noticeably blushing too hard. Every time that Phil’s hand readjusted itself slightly, Dan’s body tingled and there must have been thousands of butterflies attempting to escape from his stomach.

The butterflies were the color of rubies and glowed with delight. They wanted to float into Phil’s chest, fill up his head and mind and join them together. Their wings thumped and thumped, as their wings spread into his veins and beat with his heart. They felt as if they would fly right out of his mouth if he opened it up, and escape in the heat of passion.  

Before the butterflies could reveal themselves into the world, Phil let go and removed his blindfold. Dan slowly opened his eyes, and saw before him an empty playground, with creaky old swings, a heavily graffitied slide, monkey bars whose paint had long chipped away, and a small dried up field of grass, no longer green but instead dead and brown.

Phil spoke as Dan took in the ramshackle of a playground. “It’s not much, but it feels, well, safe to me, kinda like home.”

“I like it,” Dan grinned at Phil, “very artistic muse esque.”

“That’s why I brought you here.” Phil blushed.

All of the sudden, Phil spontaneously bolted for the swings, hopped on one, and began to  push and pull towards the sky.

Dan followed, but uncertainly. “Are you sure this is safe?” He asked.

“Who knows? You just need to live for once!” Phil laughed as his legs propelled him into the air.

Dan shrugged and climbed on the swing to begin his journey towards the sky. They raced each other for it, pushing through the air just to find what lies ahead. Finally, when their chests ached and their legs were too sore to continue, they slowed down their swinging.

“So,” Phil asked as they began to swing casually again, “Is there as special someone in your life at the moment?”

“Do you even know me? Of course not.” Dan scoffed.

Phil looked fairly confused. “What about you and Amara? Aren’t you two a thing?”

Dan started laughing hysterically. “Me and Amara would be an absolute disaster together! We’d bicker all the time and never be happy! And we’re both interested in - nevermind. Do you have anyone special in your life right now?”

“Uh, um, I guess so,” Phil stuttered, “they just don’t, uh, well, like me in that way though, so I’m just really helplessly pining for now.”

“Who do you like, huh?” Dan teased, trying to hide his disappointment that Phil liked someone, and they were probably going to end up together, “Mrs. Tibbitts? That would explain why you spend so much time with her. All along I thought it was just because you’re a nerd, but, hey, maybe you have a thing for the math teacher!”

“Shut up!” Phil squealed. “Do you have your eye on anyone? You know, besides that english teacher you always hang out with?”

Dan breathed in, and then out, and shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno,” he answered, “I like someone, but it’s impossible, and romance is just so gross.”

Phil smiled. “Three cheers for the lonely hearts club!” He declared, and the pair continued with their usual banter.

The lonely hearts club

That may as well be you and I

Trapped by our own helpless desires

Torn in half by cruel realities

Soon enough, going to the park with Phil after school became a routine for Dan. They would sprawl out on the dead grass and empty out their souls to one another, swing as high as they could and feel the wind hit them on the face.

The two boys lay side by side on the grass, Dan’s fingers threading pieces of grass together while Phil ripped the delicate grasses in half. Their fingers began to stain, and a silence remained between them, yet they let their fingers ache and the silence stay. Afterall, the quiet was comfortable, and it was impossible to predict the outcomes if either of them spoke up.

It was Phil who eventually spoke up and destroyed the quiet. “What have you written lately?”

Dan removed his battered composition notebook from his backpack and lightly threw it a Phil, who retrieved it from where it had fallen. He began to flip through it, his eyes running over titles and words, searching for anything of significance. Phil found a page which he found interesting, and let his eyes rest on the page for a couple of moments, lightly smiling to himself.

“This poem is nice.” Phil mumbled.

“Which one?” Dan asked cautiously.

“This one.” Phil handed back the notebook, open to a page about halfway through.

Dan’s heart sunk as soon as he read the first line. That was the one poem which Phil wasn’t allowed to see. He re-read it, trying to reason with himself.

_His eyes so brightly shine_

_For once they make me feel alive_

_He gleams brighter than the sun_

_Yet, to me, he is the universe_

_And all its shining stars_

_His smiles make constellations_

_Which guide me through the night_

_A lost sailor at sea_

_Is now lead by foolish lust_

Oh shit. Nobody was supposed to see that one, especially not Phil, of all people. Phil, who was probably going to now piece the puzzle together and realize that Dan liked him. And after that, they would never be friends again and Phil would be so awkward and maybe even hate him and shit shit shit shit shit.

Dan was thrown out of his thoughts by Phil’s voice. “Hey Dan, you okay?” Phil asked softly.

His breathing began to become erratic and his head started to pound. “Do you think I’m fucking okay?” He demanded. His fists balled up and his face folded into itself and scrunched together.

Phil sighed and looked at Dan in the eyes. “It’s okay that you like a guy, Dan. It’s not like I’m some kind of homophobic prick.”

“But you don’t understand!” Dan whined, his voice raising and his heart pulsing.

“Of course I understand! I’m gay!” Phil exclaimed.

It took a moment for what Phil said to hit him in the gut.

Phil likes boys Phil likes boys Phil likes boys Phil likes boys Phil likes boys.

He actually had a chance! Phil had the potential to be attracted to him!

And yet all of his excitement came out in a simple, muttered, “that’s cool.”

They sat in silence for a moment, staring at each other and trying to process the events which just occurred. As usual, Phil interrupted the silence. “So, who’s the object of your affection?”

“Really, Phil? What century is this?” Dan groaned.

“Would you rather I say ‘apple of your eye’? Or oooh, with whom are you infatuated with?”

“None of your business, Lester.”

“I never assumed it was, Howell.”

The two boys looked at each other in the eye, and then burst out laughing. Phil was so easy to be with. He got his jokes and was so sweet and they could sit in silence and it wouldn’t be awkward. He was patient and kind and everything which Dan could ever want. And there was even an exponentially small chance that Phil actually liked him back!

Dan smiled softly to himself. “I’m really glad that we’re friends, Phil,” he murmured softly.

“Me too, you sappy spork.” Phil replied, and his hand reached for Dan’s, and the two of them lay on the grass, content.

Maybe Phil didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Maybe this was a hopeless crush with no sensibility to it. But for now, what they had was enough. Dan let his heart sink into the floor and relax as his hand stayed connected with Phil’s. He was okay. They were okay. Everything was going to be okay.

* * *

I _nk vomits onto paper_

_Scattered thoughts run across sheets_

_Secrets clump up_

_Deep, dark, emotions ruin yet another page_

_Stories mish and mash together_

_Random facts brighten up the mix_

_Assorted memories flow, and nostalgia floods_

_Dialogues overwhelm the pages_

_Unrealistic scenarios turn paper into phyllo_

_Images of trinkets hidden away_

_Stresses become gooey and gross_

_Stick to paper like rotten honey_

_And yet words left unsaid make the biggest mess of all_

No matter how content Dan was when he confessed his sexuality to Phil, the words which he hadn’t said remained thick on his tongue, mocking him as he kept on recalling that day. What would have happened if he, God forbid, told Phil that he was attracted to him? Phil was too nice to stop being his friend, but they would become more distant and Phil probably would never look at him the same way again.

But it would have been so nice to have gotten one more unsaid statement off of his chest….

Dan’s thoughts continued to thrash in his head, debating whether he should have told Phil and what would happen if he would. Finally, he had had enough. He was going to regret it if he never told Phil that he liked him, he would just need to figure out some way to make it less embarrassing, and plan a permanent trip to Canada in case anything went wrong.

Perhaps he could tell him in person? No, Dan was terrible with words when they came out of his mouth.

Or text him? That would take out the meaning entirely though. Although a meaningless confession would be preferable, it would make the situation even more awkward than it already would be.

Writing for Phil seemed to be the only logical action, but there was intense organization to be done from there. Would it be anonymous? Ha, Phil would figure out it was him in an instant. Would he deliver the poem in person, or would he leave it for Phil to find it?

His head spun until his sense of reality was dizzy. He was overthinking things, per usual. Just ontime, his phone buzzed, taking him out of his thoughts.

_Amara: U up?_

_Dan: What do u think???_

_Amara: Thinking abt philly? ;)_

_Dan: did i interrupt your jacking off to gay furry porn with minion yaoi and yuri in the background?_

_Amara: yes_

_Dan: of course_

_Dan: why did u text in the 1st place?_

_Amara: i got intel on precious philip_

_Dan: :)_

_Amara: according to sam, he’s into guys_

_Dan: ik_

_Amara: ?_

_Dan: He told me_

_Amara: FUCKING KISS HIM ALREADY_

_Dan: jfc_

_Dan: he probably doesn’t even think of me like that_

_Dan: just bc i like boys, it doesn’t mean that i want to fuck chris_

_Amara: and just bc i like girls, it doesn’t mean i want to fuck jlaw_

_Amara: oh wait_

_Amara: i do_

_Dan: what abt evan p_

_Amara: shut up_

_Dan: but my one and only love…._

_Amara: So quick to dismiss the existence of phil…._

_Dan: MARA_

_Dan: MARAAAAAA_

_Amara: jfc daniel_

_Dan: how do i tell phil that i like him help_

_Amara: kiss him_

_Dan: nah that would be awkward af_

_Dan: I want to write to him_

_Dan: but idk how to_

_Amara: write something sappy and slip it into his backpack_

_Amara: if that fails just pretend that i wrote it_

_Dan: u wear flannels and converse_

_Dan: he’s not gonna think u wrote it_

_Amara: when you wear a baseball hat you look like a str8 white boi_

_Amara: just wear that to school when u give it to him_

_Dan: he knows i like boys_

_Amara: you’re gay_

_Dan: you’re gay_

_Amara: ily_

_Dan: you’re gross_

_Amara: get to sleep_

_Dan: no mom_

_Amara: sleep daniel_

_Amara: it’s 3 am stop worrying over a boy_

_Dan: fine mother_

_Amara: Sleep well <3_

_Dan: <3 <( ^_^ <)_

Dan looked up from his phone and up at the ceiling, and smiled softly to himself. No matter what would happen, he’d still always have Amara. She truly was amazing, and definitely his best friend whom he wasn’t attracted to.

He set aside his phone, grabbed his notebook and pen from his bedside, and began drafting what he was going to write for Phil. After all, the only ways he knew to sort out his emotions were through sarcasm and poetry. What a cliche little sap he was.

* * *

_Grasping for you_

_In an array of letters_

_And never ending thoughts_

_My guiding light still stays_

_Lost without you_

_So with you I remain_

Dan woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, half open eyes, and a brain that was in dire need of rest. Yet, no matter what his body screeched, his late night activity was worth it. He had edited his poem for Phil into what he could only deem to be perfection in his own eyes.

He hurriedly slipped on a pair of skinny jeans and a black no face sweater, as well as black socks and a pair of converse. A snapback hat was shoved into his backpack, just to humor Amara. He rushed through breakfast, shoving cereal in his mouth and milk on his hands.

His mother sighed as hey rushed out the door, and hopped on his bike.

“Have fun, Dan! I love you!” She called.

“Love you too!” He shouted back, as he began to pedal to school.

He had to get to school before Phil got there, which was probably a good 10 minutes before first period. Once Dan got to school, he needed to stop off at Phil’s locker and slip in the poem which he had written. Then, he would play innocent until Phil read it, and see how Phil reacted. He could only hope that it would end well.

When Dan arrived at school and Phil’s locker, Phil was already standing by it, unloading his spare textbooks and binders into his locker.

Dan stood by Phil’s locker for a moment, waiting until Phil noticed him. When Phil finally finished unloading his heavy items into his locker, he turned around and grinned.

“Hey!” Phil’s smile spread from one cheek to another, and it was contagious. Dan smiled back, as it was excruciatingly difficult not to when he got a warm smile from Phil.

Dan shoved a piece of paper ripped out from his notebook into Phil’s hand. “Don’t open it until later, okay?”

“Ooooh! Is it another poem from Daniel J. Howell?” Phil exclaimed, a little bit too loudly. In fact, his exclamation caught the attention of surrounding students, mingling and chatting about their lockers.

In response to this, Dan cupped his hand over Phil’s mouth. Phil rolled his eyes, and then his eyes seemed to be smiling. Dan’s attention drew back to his hand, which began to feel wet, which was exactly when he realized what was going on. At once, he retracted his hand from Phil’s mouth. “Phil! That was gross! Did you have to fucking lick my fucking hand?” He whined.

Phil smiled cheekily. “Well, I don’t like not being able to speak. Besides, I like being dominant more.”

Dan started blushing heavily at that statement. He let himself remain flustered for a moment, before he realized that two could play that game. “So Philly, I guess that you’re more of a top? Do you like it when your dick slides its way into some poor guy’s ass?”

“Don’t be gross, Dan!” Phil ejaculated. “Besides,” he muttered under his breath, moving closer to Dan, “I prefer putting my dick in some hot guy’s mouth.”

Dan flushed a solid shade of maroon, not sure if he was turned on or embarrassed by Phil’s dirty statements. Before Phil could save anymore, Dan was saved by the bell.

“Bye!” Dan shouted frantically as he hurried onto his history class.

Halfway through the day, during third period he received a text from Phil in the middle of class.

_Phil: meet at usual spot 4 lunch?_

_Dan: yeah_

_Phil: i read it_

_Phil: want to go to the park after school?_

_Dan: ok_

_Dan: don’t want to get my phone taken away by asshat teacher_

_Phil: ok ttyl :)_

_Dan: alright c u later :)_

Phil looked at Dan strangely all throughout lunch, and Dan clung to Amara instead of attempting to initiate conversation. He knew that giving Phil that poem was a mistake. Phil was going to think of him as some kind of guy who can’t even talk to him to admit to his embarrassing crush to him in person.

After school, Dan nervously walked towards Phil’s locker. This was going to make it or break it. By some absurd twist of fate, Phil would feel the same towards him, but knowing Dan’s luck, Phil would end up being disgusted by him.

When he got to Phil’s locker, Phil was talking to Peej, initiated in intense conversation with each other, until they caught sight of Dan. Peej smiled lightly at Phil, waved to Dan, hugged Phil, and left.

“What was that about?” Dan demanded.

Phil chewed on his lip. “Nothing really.”

“Bro things?”

“Of course. We were discussing the bro code in great detail.”

“I think you just broke it by hugging each other.” Dan pushed the joke further, hoping to release any tension he and Phil had between them.

“Nah, in Section Two, Chapter 8, Lines 68-69 of the Bro Code Manual, it is stated that ‘hugging is to be shared as two bros, and is the most significant way to show affections towards another bro. Only the greatest of  bros may hug.’”

“Wow, are we not the greatest of bros?” Dan teased.

Phil smiled softly. “No, I think that we’re something else entirely.”

The two continued to walk in silence, not hitting any significant conversation in the fear of what would come if they tried to be serious.

Finally, they arrived at the broken down park which had become their meeting place. They settled down on the grass, lying down and gazing at the sky.

“Can you read me your poem out loud?” Phil asked.

Dan’s heart began to pound. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. Just read it to me. I want to hear it with your voice.”

Phil passed the folded up slip of paper which contained his poem to Dan, who nervously cleared his throat and began to read it out loud in a shaky voice.

_“Before you, I was quite unsatisfied_

_Lost and without someone to guide me through_

_Had no one to always be by my side_

_And then on one fateful day I met you._

_“We found each other in gloomy weather_

_When the world seemed to be oh so dreary_

_Perhaps it was chance that brought us together_

_Connected two souls which were weary._

_“From that  day on we were inseparable_

_Always are together, never apart_

_Linked by bonds which are impenetrable_

_I will forever have you in my heart._

_“My admiration for you: genuine_

_I hope that you will forever be mine”_

The two stared at each other in silence after the poem was read. Dan looked into Phil’s colbalt blue eyes, trying to read what was going on in them. Phil was impossible to read sometimes, as he kept himself hidden beneath a mask. This only seemed to be proved to be more true in the daunting moments in which Dan awaited a response.

Dan finally looked away from Phil’s eyes, and onto his lips, his neck, his nose, his chest, his hands, his legs, soaking it all up in case he never got to see it this way again.

It was Phil broke their mutual silence. “That was incredible.” He grinned, cheer spreading throughout his face.

“Thanks.” Dan looked down at the floor, focusing on Phil’s feet instead. Phil just loved his words, not the boy behind them. He was in love with his language, not his mind. His body could never compare to the temples of stanzas which he built. The poetry which he created was a masterpiece to Phil, while he was anything but. This was it. The end of his crush, the end of his fascination with Phil. There was no use in craving a boy who could not look past his eloquent words. He could never be as beautiful as his writing, so why did he even try?

“That may have been incredible,” Phil began, his hands shaking slightly, “but so are you.”

A grin began to erupt out of Dan’s face, seeping onto the floor, attaching itself to Phil. “I really like you Philip Michael Lester,” he declared.

“I absolutely adore you, Dan.” Phil gushed.

The two boys found their hands begin to wrap around each other, and their hearts pull the other’s closer. They embraced, and their lips begin to intertwine. Dan’s head burst open, full of sensations and colors and inspirations.

“You’re my muse,” Dan muttered as they began to pull apart to catch their breaths.

“You’re my beautiful artist.” Phil pulled Dan into him again, clashing their mouths against each other in an array of passion.

“Light seeps through my skin, and into your heart it goes.” Dan mused.

“Gorgeous,” Phil murmured, and Dan let himself once again lose himself in the beautiful poem which was Phil Lester.

* * *

_I have always wanted art to cover my body_

_Incase my face in paint_

_Breathe in colors_

_Exhale words_

_You surround my mind with brightness_

_Your hues tear my skin apart_

_Color me shades of smitten_

_And let your heart become my art_

Just twenty four hours later, Dan and Phil found themselves at their park again, hands intertwined. They wrapped themselves up in each other, absorbing each other, living in the company of each other.

“This must be what bliss is,” Dan muttered softly to himself.

“Of course it is,” Phil murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Dan’s cheek, which made Dan’s face flush crimson.

Their heads rested on each others for a couple of moments, breathing in and out in synch.

“What even are we?” Phil asked.

“Dan and Phil.” Dan answered without thinking twice.

“Hmmm. I like that.”

“We’re just ourselves, no matter if we break up, or go beyond just dating, or if things get awkward. We’re always going to be Dan and Phil.”

Phil pecked Dan’s lips. “I love that big brain of yours.”

“Like you’re not the best in our class at math.” Dan retorted.

“Yeah, but like that makes up for my complete lack of English comprehension.” Phil shrugged.

“Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re plenty good at English.”

“Dan, I’m dyslexic.”

Phil’s confession hit Dan square in the face. That made complete and utter sense. That was why Phil took so long to read his writing, and would insist that he’d read it out loud. That was why he adored math in the way that he did. “That actually makes a whole lot of sense.”

“Of course it does, the dyslexic kid can’t read for shit but loves math.” Phil responded, a hinge of bitterness in his tone.

“You love your numbers, and I love my words.” Dan mumbled.

“That must be why we like each other so much.”

“Of course, the only reason that we’re dating is because of your affinity for math, not your beautiful eyes, or your angular cheekbones, or your muscular arms, or your sculpted hands, or your vibrant personality, or your sweet nature, or your smartass sense of humour, or our compatibility together. No, all that I find attractive in you is your math.” Dan teased.

“Spot on, Daniel. I only like you because you can write poetry, not because of your witty humor, warm eyes, soft shoulders, gorgeous legs, affectionate gestures, and your big heart.”

“When are we going to tell people?” Dan blurted out.

“Do you want to tell people?”

“I want to tell Amara, and you’ll probably want to tell Chris and PJ. So we need to tell them that we’re dating.”

“We’re dating, right?” Phil asked.

Dan rolled his eyes. “No, of course not, I kiss everyone I see and tell everyone how much I like them.”

Phil ignored Dan’s humour. “What about our parents?”

“Not yet.”

“Do they know that you like boys?” Phil questioned cautiously.

“No. They wouldn’t kick me out or anything, but things would be different. Let me guess, perfect Phil Lester is already out to his parents?”

Phil bit his lip. “Kind of.”

“What does kind of mean?”

“My mom saw me making out with my ex-boyfriend a while back, and we haven’t really talked about it since.”

“Tell me about him.” Dan demanded.

“He was a painter. We used to sit and talk for hours, until he began to color me wrong.” Phil gazed up at the sky, and Dan tightened his grip around Phil’s hand.

“Was he abusive?”

“I don’t know. He eventually put me down, and would tell me that I wasn’t good enough, and that I’m useless because of my dyslexia. I don’t want a repeat of him, Dan. I’m scared.”

“It’s okay. He’s gone now. I’m here now, and you’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” Dan kissed Phil slowly, wrapping his arms around Phil’s chest, trying to get his message across in the form of affection.

“Can we take this whole relationship thing slow? I know it’s your first, but with him it was so rushed, and that’s why it got bad. I want to have something slow and steady with you.” Phil asked softly, carefully choosing his words.

“Whatever you want, babe.” Dan cooed.

“I like that.”

Dan played with Phil’s hair. “I like you.”

“I like you too.” Phil giggled.

They lay on each other, perfectly content, in an aura of bliss.

* * *

_I will only paint you in happiness_

_Paint you stars and wishes come true_

_Keep malicious shades away from you_

_Coat you in pure love_

Dan rushed home and started to text Amara. She was the one person whom he had to tell about him and Phil.

_Dan: Amara amara amara amara_

_Dan: Guess what?_

_Amara: jfc_

_Amara: what_

_Dan: Phil and I are dating :)_

_Amara: good for u_

_Amara: see i told u he liked u_

_Dan: he’s so cute i s2g_

_Amara: get your mushy agenda away from me_

_Dan: ily2_

_Amara: shut up you nerd_

_Amara: have fun with your bf_

_Amara: and his big dick_

_Dan: stfu_

_Amara: ily_

_Dan: go away nerd_

Dan smiled as he put down his phone. He adored Phil, but Amara was always going to be his best friend. She was always going to be his comic relief and sarcastic joy. There were no romantic feelings involved, just pure friendship. That was that and that was perfectly okay.

Next on his agenda was to out himself to his parents. They weren’t particularly close; to be honest, they didn’t seem to care all that much about Dan. Dan liking boys wasn’t going to be a big deal to them, and if it got any major reaction at all then that would be a surprise. Coming out to his parents wouldn’t be terrible, it just wouldn’t be all that pleasant either. It wouldn’t be a big deal to them, but it would be one to him.

Instinctively, he reached out to Phil.

_Dan: I told Amara abt us_

_Phil: good for u! I told PJ and Chris_

_Phil: they said that if you break my heart, then they’re going to break your back_

_Dan: dw, they won’t have to break my back_

_Dan: btw im thinking of coming out to my parents_

_Phil: you should!_

_Dan: i want to but i dont want things to get weird_

_Phil: R they homophobic or something?_

_Dan: no, it’ll just be weird_

_Phil: if u really want to tell them, u should_

_Phil: tell them abt me_

_Dan: thanks ily!_

_Phil: ily2 <3_

Dan  slid his phone into his pocket, and began to walk into his living room, where his parents were lying on the couch, watching a movie together. They barely seemed to notice them when he approached them, until he called out, “Mom, Dad?”

“Yes Dan?” His mother paused the television, and turned to face him.

“Um, I have something to tell you guys.” He muttered.

“Honey, we’re always going to be here for you,” his mom assured him.

“What she said,” his dad grunted.

“I have a boyfriend.” The words slipped out of his mouth, before he could think them through.

“That’s great,” his mom reassured him, “do you want to bring him over some time?”

“Yeah, actually that would be wonderful.” Dan grinned.

His father stared at him in the eyes for a moment, not breaking his gaze. “He’s good to you, right?”

Dan smiled lightly. “Don’t worry, he’s amazing. Uh, his name is Phil, by the way, and we’re in math together and he’s honestly the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and I promise that you’ll love him.” He gushed.

“Invite him over later, alright darling?” His mom hugged him, and it was short and sweet, before he rushed back into his room.

“Love you! Bye!” He called, before disappearing back into his room to text Phil and tell him the news.

Perhaps his parents really did care, in their own weird way. And it was okay. Everything was okay. He was okay, Phil was okay, their relationship was okay, Amara was okay, and everything was okay. And for once in Dan’s life, okay was enough. In fact, okay was more than okay.

* * *

_Sweet words whispered from across the room_

_Can only help but to remind me of you_

_Encased in your touch_

_Astounded by your mind_

_Ever so thankful that you are mine_

Phil was curled up against Dan on a couch in their home, cuddling and whispering and simply living in the presence of one another. Dan kissed Phil softly on the cheek, who responded nonverbally by pulling him closer, and giving him an eskimo kiss.

“I can’t believe that it’s been seven years,” Phil murmured.

“I can’t believe that you’re a cheesy little shit,” Dan retorted, just because Phil was Phil and it was impossible not to be cocky when he was around Phil.

Phil kissed Dan to shut him up.“No, but really, it’s almost been seven years since we first got together.”

“We were complete and utter dorks then.” Dan leaned into Phil, looking into his eyes. Sure, they still were dorks, just less cringey dorks.

“And we used to pass notes during math and text all the time and write poetry and meet up at the old park.” Phil sighed. The taste of nostalgia was addictive, yet fulfilling. It would be so easy to pretend that they were lovestruck teens again, and ignore the responsibilities and burden of adulthood and growing relationships. But they couldn’t do that. The past was the past, and the present was the present.

“You know that our park got shut down, right? Safety hazards and all that.”

“You don’t always need to be so cynical, Dan.”

“You don’t always need to be such an adoring fiance, Phil.” Dan retorted, as the two of them locked eyes around identical rings.

They continued to make out, absorbing each other’s presences and lips until there was nothing less of either of them besides the other. In seven years, of bumpy roads, and numerous highs and lows, this still was bliss. Phil was bliss. Phil was home, and home was Phil.

“I wrote something new for you,” Dan murmured in between kisses.

“Show me it, babe.”

_“Seven years ago, it was impossible for me to imagine a world where I was loved, and where I loved. It seemed to be a falsehood of the heart, a shattered dream which could never come true. Completely unattainable; a hopeless fantasy._

_“And then there was you. Kaleidoscope eyes and a heart filled with love broke into my barriers, and unexpectedly shook my world into pieces. An earthquake had inhabited my mind, and its name was Phil Lester._

_“When I first met you, love appeared to be an unobtainable invention of the mind. After seven years with you, I have learned that love is hard to find, difficult to keep, and is a roller coaster of its own. At first, it didn’t seem to be worth it. But now, because of you, I have learned of its wonders and hardships, and that it can be found anywhere. I love you, Phil.”_

Phil was grinning from ear to ear, and encased Dan in a hug. “I love you too, Dan.”

The pair eased into each other, reminiscing the past, and looking into the future. This is what love was. Their home was each other, and it always would be.

_I cannot fathom a world without you, my love._

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading this! if you enjoyed it, please comment/give kudos. if you want to talk to me, go to my tumblr [@phanniephil(prev andedan)](phanniephil.tumblr.com). <3


End file.
